.

.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Wednesday not so tired of dreaming that i have stopped

I have gotten away from bloggin for quite some time as i sorted through somethings that i needed to deal with. No saying that i needed to deal with them i apparently mean more or less ignoring them until they went away in which they havent i just don't care about them any more. Then when logging back on to my pst blog site i find out they are discontinuing the blog part of their site SO i left.
I am not here to make friends i am not here for some one to listen to me, I am simply here like most people to so to feel like i am actually here. (if that makes any sense to anyone else)
So my family suffers from a progressive disease that eventually ends up taking ur life, I lost my brother to this in 2009 thus autopsy revealing the cause and leading to the remaining 6 kids (myself included) to be diagnosed with it. I have a identical twin brother him being the dominate twin (health wise), I relised that at some time he was the dominate twin even emotionally until my father's death when my mother pretty much lost her mind and drove me to "find" myself. So emotinally we are now equal but he is far healthier than i which i wont lie gives me a spot of jealousy but at the same time i am glad he is.

Which brings me to today, i dont know if this blog will ever be read and really if not it dont matter to me. I actually just enjoy the thought of getting myself out there in "cyber" where i will never die. It's odd when u think about it a place where it doesnt matter what u look like, whether u are healthy or not, whether u have the energy to get out and do things that u once did or no matter how many time u try to delete it will always be there. When u post a picture, letter, send an eml its not private and it cant be deleted or erased i suppose u can hide it or when u hit the delete button it does disappear from that site which makes it harder to find should u be looking for it but u run in to deleted pages from time to time. When u google something and u end up scrolling through pages while ur brain beings to melt u will find pages taht u try to open that say Error 404 or restricted. its not that there is an error or u are restricted but u have stummbled upon a deleted site. go back to the google page and u can read parts of the blog or see the picture. So i guess i like the idea that this is one place were i will not be deleted or simply erased from time. Even if it is only in cyber space.

If things in my body dont slow down to an almost stop then i will be dead before halloween. But not here i will stay here, no more posts and no one will ever really know but i dont know it gives me something to hold on too. I have lost damn near every friend i ever had not because they dont want to talk with me because of being sick but simply life has a way of keeping you busy so that people tend to fall away from one another.
There are a few that i never did think would fall away that have and i dont resent them for living i am happy for them but never the less it still hurts a bit to know that the odd comfort that they once brang so happily to the "table" is no longer there. The "table" sure does become a lonly place.

Sometimes i would just like to know that i was thought of even if it was for a short few seconds, a passing thought. But this i will never know and this i am sure that i never am. I have been easily replaced in the lives of the ones that i held(and still in my own heart) so dear and i stand back thinking u know maybe i lied to myself all the those years Thinking that maybe "I" became someone speical to them someone that meant something. Then i look at how that friendship(s) started and no matter what the words that where said where, it all boils down to if it were not for my brother "would i have ever had those friendships" no, i think not. the one, i think leaned on me because of the hole that was left in our lives when my brother past and i leaned on her but for her that hole has changed not to say that it is still not there because lets face it no matter how many times we say dont think about the "what if" everyone does, it is part of human nature but it has changed for her and i am so glad it has for that is something we as people shouldnever have to learn to live with but all too many of us do. the other two friendships that i thought would never dissappear were forged so thickly through hurt, agony and laughter of the past. All steming with my brother voicing more of his hurt while i never spoke a word of mine thus attracting people to him and them befriending me through him. Yes i think we had a friendship even in my brothers absences but i feel that that is something that i never would have had if my brother and i were not so close.
Which leads me to wonder no matter the words that have been spoken before my brother's passing or after "would there have been a friendship there without him?" The "table" feels a bit more lonely now then it did before that realization dawned on me.
I do know that i have managed to have a friendship(s) (most would call it aquaintance but i like friend is a much warmer word and that is the way i feel when i speak with them so i say freind) in a few people that i will admit i met through my brother. Sue, DJ Myke, boombox(lol),  Marvin (lol) and all of his different identities, Irene, Colleen and not to forget Tommy.  But when i am late for an appointment or the damn car wont start or just when the night seems to pass so slowly and sleep will not come to me, I often get a smile, a chuckle and more then occastional all out laugh from them. I am greatful to have this outlet even if at times it seems like i am invisible to it or complete nonexistant i know that i wouldn't be where i am today with out it. When i say where i am i dont mean physically but more mentally.
There are so many times when u come in to contact with people everyday, while ur in ur car sitting at a light someone pulls up behind u whose music is so loud it shakes ur car windows, or u pass them in a hallway, sidewalk or coridoor or on the largest highway in the world the 1mil lane bypass also know as the "web". We often dont realise what a simple word or a small statement might do to another, espeically on the web. We have no clue what that person has had to deal with in past, present or future but why wouldnt we want to say a kind word or give a smile.
I know that saying silence like cancer grows.... well cancer can be killed (and may the Hand of God keep it from ever returning). Sadness is like a cancer but unlike cancer its cure is a bit more simple, a smile, a joke, a kind word to a stranger (or friend, family member) can heal so much more then what we know. Let's face it no matter how close we are to one another we will never know EVERYTHING about one another and nor should we. Sometimes it is better to give the smile without knowing the details because then it can work even greater cures.

I am Liam Mckormic 19yrs old and i will never be tired of dreaming and i had no intentions of rammbling at the length(my appologies) that i did but  Iinvite anyone who is not on myspace/facebook to go and visit Blogophilia or Blogophilia facebook style i promise the people there are not nearly as longing winded as i nor as boring.

Blogophilia 14.4 Topic: "I'm Tired of Dreaming"

Bonus Points:
(Hard, 2pts): include the names of 3 Blogophiliacs
(Easy, 1pt): include a car that won't start