I am not here to make friends i am not here for some one to listen to me, I am simply here like most people to so to feel like i am actually here. (if that makes any sense to anyone else)
So my family suffers from a progressive disease that eventually ends up taking ur life, I lost my brother to this in 2009 thus autopsy revealing the cause and leading to the remaining 6 kids (myself included) to be diagnosed with it. I have a identical twin brother him being the dominate twin (health wise), I relised that at some time he was the dominate twin even emotionally until my father's death when my mother pretty much lost her mind and drove me to "find" myself. So emotinally we are now equal but he is far healthier than i which i wont lie gives me a spot of jealousy but at the same time i am glad he is.
Which brings me to today, i dont know if this blog will ever be read and really if not it dont matter to me. I actually just enjoy the thought of getting myself out there in "cyber" where i will never die. It's odd when u think about it a place where it doesnt matter what u look like, whether u are healthy or not, whether u have the energy to get out and do things that u once did or no matter how many time u try to delete it will always be there. When u post a picture, letter, send an eml its not private and it cant be deleted or erased i suppose u can hide it or when u hit the delete button it does disappear from that site which makes it harder to find should u be looking for it but u run in to deleted pages from time to time. When u google something and u end up scrolling through pages while ur brain beings to melt u will find pages taht u try to open that say Error 404 or restricted. its not that there is an error or u are restricted but u have stummbled upon a deleted site. go back to the google page and u can read parts of the blog or see the picture. So i guess i like the idea that this is one place were i will not be deleted or simply erased from time. Even if it is only in cyber space.
If things in my body dont slow down to an almost stop then i will be dead before halloween. But not here i will stay here, no more posts and no one will ever really know but i dont know it gives me something to hold on too. I have lost damn near every friend i ever had not because they dont want to talk with me because of being sick but simply life has a way of keeping you busy so that people tend to fall away from one another.
There are a few that i never did think would fall away that have and i dont resent them for living i am happy for them but never the less it still hurts a bit to know that the odd comfort that they once brang so happily to the "table" is no longer there. The "table" sure does become a lonly place.
Sometimes i would just like to know that i was thought of even if it was for a short few seconds, a passing thought. But this i will never know and this i am sure that i never am. I have been easily replaced in the lives of the ones that i held(and still in my own heart) so dear and i stand back thinking u know maybe i lied to myself all the those years Thinking that maybe "I" became someone speical to them someone that meant something. Then i look at how that friendship(s) started and no matter what the words that where said where, it all boils down to if it were not for my brother "would i have ever had those friendships" no, i think not. the one, i think leaned on me because of the hole that was left in our lives when my brother past and i leaned on her but for her that hole has changed not to say that it is still not there because lets face it no matter how many times we say dont think about the "what if" everyone does, it is part of human nature but it has changed for her and i am so glad it has for that is something we as people shouldnever have to learn to live with but all too many of us do. the other two friendships that i thought would never dissappear were forged so thickly through hurt, agony and laughter of the past. All steming with my brother voicing more of his hurt while i never spoke a word of mine thus attracting people to him and them befriending me through him. Yes i think we had a friendship even in my brothers absences but i feel that that is something that i never would have had if my brother and i were not so close.
Which leads me to wonder no matter the words that have been spoken before my brother's passing or after "would there have been a friendship there without him?" The "table" feels a bit more lonely now then it did before that realization dawned on me.
I do know that i have managed to have a friendship(s) (most would call it aquaintance but i like friend is a much warmer word and that is the way i feel when i speak with them so i say freind) in a few people that i will admit i met through my brother. Sue, DJ Myke, boombox(lol), Marvin (lol) and all of his different identities, Irene, Colleen and not to forget Tommy. But when i am late for an appointment or the damn car wont start or just when the night seems to pass so slowly and sleep will not come to me, I often get a smile, a chuckle and more then occastional all out laugh from them. I am greatful to have this outlet even if at times it seems like i am invisible to it or complete nonexistant i know that i wouldn't be where i am today with out it. When i say where i am i dont mean physically but more mentally.
There are so many times when u come in to contact with people everyday, while ur in ur car sitting at a light someone pulls up behind u whose music is so loud it shakes ur car windows, or u pass them in a hallway, sidewalk or coridoor or on the largest highway in the world the 1mil lane bypass also know as the "web". We often dont realise what a simple word or a small statement might do to another, espeically on the web. We have no clue what that person has had to deal with in past, present or future but why wouldnt we want to say a kind word or give a smile.
I know that saying silence like cancer grows.... well cancer can be killed (and may the Hand of God keep it from ever returning). Sadness is like a cancer but unlike cancer its cure is a bit more simple, a smile, a joke, a kind word to a stranger (or friend, family member) can heal so much more then what we know. Let's face it no matter how close we are to one another we will never know EVERYTHING about one another and nor should we. Sometimes it is better to give the smile without knowing the details because then it can work even greater cures.
I am Liam Mckormic 19yrs old and i will never be tired of dreaming and i had no intentions of rammbling at the length(my appologies) that i did but Iinvite anyone who is not on myspace/facebook to go and visit Blogophilia or Blogophilia facebook style i promise the people there are not nearly as longing winded as i nor as boring.
Blogophilia 14.4 Topic: "I'm Tired of Dreaming"
Bonus Points:
(Hard, 2pts): include the names of 3 Blogophiliacs
(Easy, 1pt): include a car that won't start
that’s s shame about the site. Yeah I ignore too hoping it will all go away
ReplyDeleteno deletions for Liam - you always giggle in my brain
The table is a very lonely place I agree
You bring me sadness, joy and thought - thank you
Love you lots, FRIEND
Sue *said with a sassy grin*
you are right you probably wouldn't have had those friendships but to it is do you even deserve them friendship with thoughts like "how did they come to be"
ReplyDeleteTo Sassy i thank you
ReplyDeleteto anonymous a man that does not ponder is a man that does not think.
2nd or 3rd time trying to post this??
ReplyDeleteOkay.. this is Leta but I'm posting this as anonymous because I don't have an account here and there's too many steps to follow to be able to post. Call me LAZY!! LoL!!!
So I'm reading this to the tune of Unknown by Sad Violin playing in the background. How appropriate is that? :) I miss being able to hear music playing in the background of a blog while reading it.
(((((LIAM!)))))you're not alone in what you wrote. There are many who feel the same as you, including myself (in some parts) but don't say it, write it, express it....... still, it's there.
You may be longwinded (smiles... so am I) but you're NEVER boring! Love you!<3
Marvin used to be "the Marvins" when I first started in blogophilia - probably why he needed more than one identity.
ReplyDeleteC5
---> Leta, Yes i do miss the different styles of music i used to run in to when readng blogs which was one of the things that i liked here altho not thrilled but its a blog that is convient for me i guess that doesnt change every wk. I thank you so much ur amazing my dear :)
ReplyDelete---> C5 - yes Marvin is a busy busy guy and to keep up with all the things WHOA! smart to top it. thank you for stopping.
Dude!! MARVIN here. :D
ReplyDeleteI saw ^ above ^ where Leta and C5 wrote as anonymous... might as well join in, eh?
Most of the Blogophiliacs are long-winded... hahaha! Just don't tell them I told you.
Oh, by the way, I only have ONE identity but many people under that one identity. LOL!
8 points, Earthling!! It's great to have you in our BLOGOPHILIAN COMMUNITY! :D
LOL does that mean u have split personalites? hmm LOL
ReplyDeleteHey Liam, this is Jay. Your long post had my attention throughout. I had no idea the struggles you are up against. Getting bit by a pit bull seems rather tame in comparison! You are loved, my friend! Never tire of dreaming. =)
ReplyDelete--> Jay, We all face circumstances in our lives to where the out come is going to suck, but i try to look at it this way "why take life so serious NO ONE is getting out alive" Some of us get a heads up on time frames and some dont. I dont dwell time is not spent wisely when we do :) I thank you for stopping and letting me that i didnt bore that crap out of u. lol
ReplyDeleteLiam you never bore me. You have some of the most interesting thoughts and insights on life. You are not alone in feeling alone, I feel the same way even in a room full of people rather they are friends or family. We may have meet through your brother but I think the friendship was forged through your writings and comments made along the way. You like your brother have a place in my heart and in my thoughts. Hugz my friend.
ReplyDelete--> Crazypjs, thank you very much ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI may have been one of those persons who's music you heard from the car next to you - sorry about that. lol!
ReplyDeleteFriendships gained through the internet are the same as those gained in real life - some come and go, while others stick. I have friends who I met at Myspace and the American Idol website (lol! long story) who I've met in real life and have become very close to, as well as those who I haven't personally met yet, but who I nevertheless consider true friends. Sometimes, a while will go by in between contact, yet they are never far from my thoughts. I know the same holds true for you. We have many mutual friends, and it's clear to me that you've touched them. Your table is not as empty as you think ;)
((((hugs, dollface)))
Dahlia ~
Myke here, Liam... First, allow me to say, your music player damned near gave me a heart attack at 3:00 a.m. Why I was sitting here wearing headphones with the volume cranked up to 7 out of a possible 10, I cannot recall.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I am glad to hear from you, as always. I read through all you wrote, and even read the comments to get a handle on how to comment here, as this land is a little foreign to me. Hope I am doing this right, because if my comment disappears... oh shudder at that thought, Michael... hehe.
Third, I have to take exception to something you have said here. Okay, I know I have never contradicted you before, but up until now, I have pretty much agreed with everything you said.... Anyways, this concerns what you say about only having met people here because of your brother...
I have read some blogs this week where people say they came to Blogophilia because of me, that I introduced them to the group. That is nice to read, and fact is, I know it to be true. Since we started this, I have personally invited a lot of people to join, and not always because they were great writers. Some have come to stay, which is great. Others came to see how many readers they could manage to draw, then they went their own way, never looking back. That was unfortuante. And, the vast majority of those I asked to come give it a try, well they simply passed on it. What dumbasses... Okay, that was wrong of me to say, and I know it.
But the point I am making, and very successfully, I might add it, no one said anything to the negative who is here and has settled in. And, believe me, it goes both ways.
Since I came here, I have been introduced to a lot of friends and acquaintances that I might not have met otherwise. This is where I met Tyler, and it was Tyler who introduced me to Sallon. That is a pretty good example. So, it is not so important as to how we meet those we care deeply about as it is... just that we got to meet them, and hopefully, come to know them just a little bit better, over time.
Last... I will make you a deal.. I will not say anything about the length of your blog if you overlook the length of my late night, er... early morning ramblings. Deal? Deal.
So, does the smiley face thing work over here? Let's try this... :)
--> Dahlia, I thank you so very much for coming by. And i to am one of the very guilt parties to whom's musics is often so loud that it shakes the other person car LOL (note i do sometimes refer to myown actions in the third person as i realise that i probably really annoy pppl by those actions LOL) Yes we do have many mutual friends perhaps becos great minds think alike. lol :)
ReplyDelete---> Myke, i love early morning (late night) ramblings the tend to be the times when i am most alert to the reality is only what we precive in our own minds ;) lol
Yes i have many ppl here to which i consider friends some which i have grown to know well and some i dont but i am still so ever thankful to know them. I have invited many ppl to come to blogophilia not bcos of their writes (cos most ppl i have invites cant write..shhh dont tell them i said that) but more bcos i thought that they could learn great things(not just good things but GREAT) from the ppl here just as i have. sadly all of them and i do say all of them were simply dumbasses that passed.. <-- knw i think will some of them read this hmm yea probably opps my bad note i dont mind them knowing lol) so let us bring on the smiles :-), :D, ;], :-}, =), O.o <-- ok not a smiley but works just he same lol
Liam,
ReplyDeleteThis is Joanie
We are all part of the Blogophilia family no matter where or how we got here. Once someone passes through our doors, they are always welcome.It can be to write or just to stop in to say hi. No pressure. Me? Some weeks I do not want to write, but I still enjoy saying hello and reading what everyone else has to say.
Long winded or not, I read every word you wrote and want you to know you and your brothers, (all of them) will always have a home here.
May God bless you, now and always.
--> Joanie,
ReplyDeleteu are an angel. Thank you.
I hope you do know you are in our thoughts and prayers, and I always appreciate the fun and hospitality you bring to our community. I wish for you circumstances to become positive and different, more quickly than you ever believed possible. And that you are able to embrace all that life offers... (This is David II)
ReplyDelete--> David,
ReplyDeleteI thank you very much. And no worries i never leave a day with a smile. :D