Mrs. Fear,
Your lies that are hidden behind those soft brown eyes lurk in the dark and focus on the tears from your children eyes. The words you said tore them down left them broken and unwanted vacant inside. The swift movement of your hand scarred their face broke their bones but that damage was small compared to the shattered heart your left in their ribcage. Your sweet smile, your innocent face graced the neighbors with with the daily pace but inside, insde that smile, that face was a nightmare and your true disgrace.
I remember when you caressed my hand, kissed my cheek, told me of your love and held me in your warm embrace the scent of lilies on your skin filled my lungs with love from within. Safety shattered, hatred grew when you were the mother that no one else knew. Why i ask, why i beg, why did you take my mother away? I begged, i tried, i tore down everything that i held close inside. I forgot my soul, i betrade my hope, i lied and stole and hated the world all because you told me so. You said i was weak, you said i dont belong, you said i was worthless and my life wasnt here for long. The fear you gave i traded away and became what it was you gave me to be. Everyday i walked in hate, behind my eyes i hid those very same lies.
The day you took your last breath i felt nothing at all, another life gone, another life lost, a soul as blacken as hate itself. I didnt say good bye, i didnt cry but that night i return and pissed on your grave to properly wash you away.
Today i love more then you ever could of, i threw away your words i forgave the scars you left. i'm better then what u gave me to be, i am beyond the trash that i used to be. But still i ask why? still i beg why? why did you take my mother away? Why did you betrade the children who's lives they gave just to see the once kind smile on your face. Where was the mother i had that loved, did you think that trading her away was better? Did that bat fill the black when things ran red? Did you think you were stronger when you tied us and toldus not to make a peep? Did you find peace when you touched my cheek bruising it until i fell my body broken and weak? Strange to think i miss you still the woman you used to be before you fell draggin our innocents in to your hell.
miss you,
unwhole but healed
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Wednesday.. yet
Dear You,
Today my heart breaks for i am not there. My heart empties with dispair, i think about the past and how it huants always telling me that i am not the one that your heart truely wants. But i am the one that your heart may settle for. With that in mind i accept my role knowing that i will lose no matter which way i go. For with this time i give myself not blindly but unconditionally.
My mistake takes me away takes me far from the place I'd be if i'd just stayed. I know not where i am headed but i know the final call. There i'll be waiting for thee waiting knowing it is not me that you will see when you reach that final destiny.
Love Forever,
Me
Today my heart breaks for i am not there. My heart empties with dispair, i think about the past and how it huants always telling me that i am not the one that your heart truely wants. But i am the one that your heart may settle for. With that in mind i accept my role knowing that i will lose no matter which way i go. For with this time i give myself not blindly but unconditionally.
My mistake takes me away takes me far from the place I'd be if i'd just stayed. I know not where i am headed but i know the final call. There i'll be waiting for thee waiting knowing it is not me that you will see when you reach that final destiny.
Love Forever,
Me
Wednesday. my heart
Dear you,
Footsteps fade away in my memories and my mind is washed with what should have been. My heart it bleds to give you what can make you live. While I hold back so I dont fade in your wind. Your transition is so rapid i beg to be free of you but here is stand knowing I am nothing without you. I want nothing without you.
You refine my soul, making it shine with hope. Then fracture me leaving my hopeless once again.
I dont know where i belong with you, all i know is i'd rather not know with you then know and be without you. I miss all of you even when i have you because this i know never will i hold your heart, not all of it. I want all of you, your choas, your jealousy, your timed hate, your quiet love, your blistered soul, just hold it all, just once to know just once what it would be like to have all of you .... all of you loving all of me..
Love forever,
me
Footsteps fade away in my memories and my mind is washed with what should have been. My heart it bleds to give you what can make you live. While I hold back so I dont fade in your wind. Your transition is so rapid i beg to be free of you but here is stand knowing I am nothing without you. I want nothing without you.
You refine my soul, making it shine with hope. Then fracture me leaving my hopeless once again.
I dont know where i belong with you, all i know is i'd rather not know with you then know and be without you. I miss all of you even when i have you because this i know never will i hold your heart, not all of it. I want all of you, your choas, your jealousy, your timed hate, your quiet love, your blistered soul, just hold it all, just once to know just once what it would be like to have all of you .... all of you loving all of me..
Love forever,
me
Monday, June 6, 2011
Monday. still
I feel it fallen away,
I feel it fading from me.
No longer the warmth of the light
No longer the light of the brave.
I'm lost the among the life
That I once lead the way.
I've fallen in to the abyss of the gray.
I can't hold on,
hold on to the light that once shined.
I can't find the steps with out falling once again.
My knees are bruised,
my soul is broken
I feel it falling away
as my skin fades to gray.
-©Liam
I feel it fading from me.
No longer the warmth of the light
No longer the light of the brave.
I'm lost the among the life
That I once lead the way.
I've fallen in to the abyss of the gray.
I can't hold on,
hold on to the light that once shined.
I can't find the steps with out falling once again.
My knees are bruised,
my soul is broken
I feel it falling away
as my skin fades to gray.
-©Liam
Saturday, June 4, 2011
saturday.
So it Saturday and nonsense always seems to make the Sunday seem a bit more gleeful :)
i was reading this book called...the history of glue....i couldn"t put it down..
2 tv aerials fell in love..the wedding was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant
i went to a karaoke bar last night and discovered they did not play 70"s music..at first i was afraid, i was petrified.....
my bud Sid was the victim of ID theft..He"s just called S now
what "bipolar"?...a sexually confused bear
what do you call a sensitive, good-looking and intelligent man?.....a rumour
what do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?...a widow
"Doctor, Doctor, i have a strawberry on my head"...."i will give you some cream for that"
OK now on with the show
Have a great evening
i was reading this book called...the history of glue....i couldn"t put it down..
2 tv aerials fell in love..the wedding was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant
i went to a karaoke bar last night and discovered they did not play 70"s music..at first i was afraid, i was petrified.....
my bud Sid was the victim of ID theft..He"s just called S now
what "bipolar"?...a sexually confused bear
what do you call a sensitive, good-looking and intelligent man?.....a rumour
what do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?...a widow
"Doctor, Doctor, i have a strawberry on my head"...."i will give you some cream for that"
OK now on with the show
Have a great evening
Friday, June 3, 2011
friday. breathe
So today has been just an ordinary day. Although i am not to sure that oridinary is a bad thing, i mean we call things ordinary because we are used to them. We call things like breathing oridinary or simple because we dont really have to think abuot do it to do it. Although I know by continuing practice that breathing is far from ordainary. When you sit back overwhelmed with drowning in stress, a smiple clearifing breath is a struggle to have, but when we sit down and close our eyes picturing all the stresses that compound our lives taking in a large breath we feel it invade our lungs as we exhale it we seem to let out the confusion that goes with the stress and we open our eyes to something where 5 seconds ago we couldnt handle to now just one dilrabrate breath away we can face and tackle. OK the out come is not always good but when u stand back out of anything to really take it all in and let out the fragments of disaster go we are able to face it and make it in to something better than it would have been.
Which brings me to today another ordinary day, I woke, my mind did what has become an automatic thing for me the past 2 years doing a silent senory check... i can see, my heart beats i look toward the BP machine that sits at my bedside and read the numbers they look good (good thing cos that would jsut suck to wake up and find out I died last night lol.), i still have feeling in my feet (yay i like being able to walk), and finally i breath in deeply and exhale slight worry that am not really here. <-- note it takes the breath to make me acknowledge that i am alive. (ironic huh) so far when i stand back and look at the morning it is a pretty damn good day i am alive. Nothing has happened yet nothing has been said just the simple thought of knowing my heart beats and my body breathes, What is so unordinary about that?
Yes it true that everyone around the world wakes up (well those who wake up) in some sort of subconscious notes that they are still living, but then that too brings me to think what is so ordinary about it now not only am i alive, i have one thing in common with everysingle person living in this world. Suddenly the world is not so big, (or rather it just shrunk again cos i never did believe that is was big).
So my feet finally find my floor and i am able to stand some say what is so special about that? well try asking a soldier who gave his legs so we can live to our own free will. Of course most ppl would that me stepping on a large strip of wax paper caked with skin glue would have been the start of a very bad day but I am not most ppl (congrats CJ u got me). So i get a smile freely given to me and i am still alone in my bedroom how unordinary is that?
So today is just another ordinary day to which if the next 50yrs were just another ordinary day I would be thankful for the days to where i have th ablity to wake, to note the heart beat to feel the first breath that escapes my lungs with a thankful heart. That on it own i find unordinary. As with out that one breath there would be no laughter, no smile, no tears, no heartache, no pain, no joy. Without the Breath to which gives us our lives there would be nothing. Yes heartsbeat but they stop when you are no longer able to breathe.
I dont believe that there is anything ordinary about it.
Which brings me to today another ordinary day, I woke, my mind did what has become an automatic thing for me the past 2 years doing a silent senory check... i can see, my heart beats i look toward the BP machine that sits at my bedside and read the numbers they look good (good thing cos that would jsut suck to wake up and find out I died last night lol.), i still have feeling in my feet (yay i like being able to walk), and finally i breath in deeply and exhale slight worry that am not really here. <-- note it takes the breath to make me acknowledge that i am alive. (ironic huh) so far when i stand back and look at the morning it is a pretty damn good day i am alive. Nothing has happened yet nothing has been said just the simple thought of knowing my heart beats and my body breathes, What is so unordinary about that?
Yes it true that everyone around the world wakes up (well those who wake up) in some sort of subconscious notes that they are still living, but then that too brings me to think what is so ordinary about it now not only am i alive, i have one thing in common with everysingle person living in this world. Suddenly the world is not so big, (or rather it just shrunk again cos i never did believe that is was big).
So my feet finally find my floor and i am able to stand some say what is so special about that? well try asking a soldier who gave his legs so we can live to our own free will. Of course most ppl would that me stepping on a large strip of wax paper caked with skin glue would have been the start of a very bad day but I am not most ppl (congrats CJ u got me). So i get a smile freely given to me and i am still alone in my bedroom how unordinary is that?
So today is just another ordinary day to which if the next 50yrs were just another ordinary day I would be thankful for the days to where i have th ablity to wake, to note the heart beat to feel the first breath that escapes my lungs with a thankful heart. That on it own i find unordinary. As with out that one breath there would be no laughter, no smile, no tears, no heartache, no pain, no joy. Without the Breath to which gives us our lives there would be nothing. Yes heartsbeat but they stop when you are no longer able to breathe.
I dont believe that there is anything ordinary about it.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Thursaday. i laugh
So i have official gained the lead in our prank points game. A game where the rule are a bit hazey but that is what makes it sooo great. We had started our game somewhere around 4 years ago but had to just resently restart it as to all the points on the dry erase board mysteriously got smuged off. To most people pranks are only funny at certain times. For us it is pretty much a day to day thing that tends to teach a person to walk carefully!
Yestersday my little brother CJ (14yr) fell alseep again on the couch (he never does seem to learn that the couch is not a safe place to fall asleep. Espeically for him who sleeps HARD) His wonderful girlfriend happen to leave some thing behind that last time she stayed like wax for her legs. which in this case went to pretty good use. He now has two very smooth legs at least on the backside anyhow. Now dont think i pulled the wax off while he slept he sleeps hard but not that hard he just slept very peacful through the application.
But see haveing to restart all those point kind bugs when i look at the score board see when the points were smeared off i was at 397,821 a small 2179 points away from winning (the first person to 400K winsthe prank master u know a really super cool looking scratch piece of paper with fowl words written all over it and the winner's name to be placed onthe line right above the words that say "is a pranking motherF*&ker now who wouldnt want to have that!!) so now we dropped back down to zero, 5 days ago Jason was naturally the point leader as he normally does take he lead at 158, Chase is at 102, Chaz is at 99 and CJ is at 92. and before this morning including my 1 point for CJ's legs (yes 1 point.. u get 1 point for every person that falls in to your prank) I was at 100 now i am at 168. yes quite the jump and i very happy with that altho i think the lady that brings us bread inthe morning (because i really super like home made bread and she has a little home business making it and delivering it <-cool huh more ppl should do that) she was not to happy with walking in to the trap and honestly when i put it there i hadnt even giving it a thought that she would arrive before my brother Chase. (opps my bad (:< ) I happen to wake up this morning at 2am and with nothing to do gives my loads of time to think and contruct all sorts of events before anyone shows up for our morning coffee. (yes we wake just a bit early so we can have coffee together NO its not a gossip session those are for chicks.... men call it morning coffee but generally it is the same thing lol)
SO moving on
prank #1 i rubber banded the sprayer on the kithen sink
prank #2 i spilled paint on a piece of wax paper and let it dry while i carried out the rest of my naughty duites then being wonderful i took the dark red paint peeled it off the was paper and placed it at the edge of my bedroom door just so that the shadows would make it resemble a blood puddle if you only glanced at it.. (i never said our pranks didnt get somewhat mean)
prank#3 i put food coloring on everyone toothbrush i even managed to get inside Chaz's house without waking him (he lives nextdoor) and put it on his :)
prank #4 replaced the shampoo with jello (that had not set yet) i even made it in to Jason's bathroom without be heard which is SUPER hard cos i swear that man doesnt sleep!
prank #5 unscrewed the cinnamon shaker (cos a dash of cinnamon in your coffee is not enough u need to the WHOLE container)
prank#6 karo syrup is great cos of how clear it is i love it! (and yes we do actually do out and buy certain things to use for pranks jsut because we know that they are perfect for them) from the very tip top of the banister to the very bottom of it was smeared in it.
prank #7 put clear nail polish over the bar of soap that we keep by the kitchen sink (it wont lather lol and i kinda like it when CJ girlfriend forget all her girlythings here they come in handy)
prank #8 double sided taped on the bottom of the creamer and sugar bowl
Yestersday my little brother CJ (14yr) fell alseep again on the couch (he never does seem to learn that the couch is not a safe place to fall asleep. Espeically for him who sleeps HARD) His wonderful girlfriend happen to leave some thing behind that last time she stayed like wax for her legs. which in this case went to pretty good use. He now has two very smooth legs at least on the backside anyhow. Now dont think i pulled the wax off while he slept he sleeps hard but not that hard he just slept very peacful through the application.
But see haveing to restart all those point kind bugs when i look at the score board see when the points were smeared off i was at 397,821 a small 2179 points away from winning (the first person to 400K winsthe prank master u know a really super cool looking scratch piece of paper with fowl words written all over it and the winner's name to be placed onthe line right above the words that say "is a pranking motherF*&ker now who wouldnt want to have that!!) so now we dropped back down to zero, 5 days ago Jason was naturally the point leader as he normally does take he lead at 158, Chase is at 102, Chaz is at 99 and CJ is at 92. and before this morning including my 1 point for CJ's legs (yes 1 point.. u get 1 point for every person that falls in to your prank) I was at 100 now i am at 168. yes quite the jump and i very happy with that altho i think the lady that brings us bread inthe morning (because i really super like home made bread and she has a little home business making it and delivering it <-cool huh more ppl should do that) she was not to happy with walking in to the trap and honestly when i put it there i hadnt even giving it a thought that she would arrive before my brother Chase. (opps my bad (:< ) I happen to wake up this morning at 2am and with nothing to do gives my loads of time to think and contruct all sorts of events before anyone shows up for our morning coffee. (yes we wake just a bit early so we can have coffee together NO its not a gossip session those are for chicks.... men call it morning coffee but generally it is the same thing lol)
SO moving on
prank #1 i rubber banded the sprayer on the kithen sink
prank #2 i spilled paint on a piece of wax paper and let it dry while i carried out the rest of my naughty duites then being wonderful i took the dark red paint peeled it off the was paper and placed it at the edge of my bedroom door just so that the shadows would make it resemble a blood puddle if you only glanced at it.. (i never said our pranks didnt get somewhat mean)
prank#3 i put food coloring on everyone toothbrush i even managed to get inside Chaz's house without waking him (he lives nextdoor) and put it on his :)
prank #4 replaced the shampoo with jello (that had not set yet) i even made it in to Jason's bathroom without be heard which is SUPER hard cos i swear that man doesnt sleep!
prank #5 unscrewed the cinnamon shaker (cos a dash of cinnamon in your coffee is not enough u need to the WHOLE container)
prank#6 karo syrup is great cos of how clear it is i love it! (and yes we do actually do out and buy certain things to use for pranks jsut because we know that they are perfect for them) from the very tip top of the banister to the very bottom of it was smeared in it.
prank #7 put clear nail polish over the bar of soap that we keep by the kitchen sink (it wont lather lol and i kinda like it when CJ girlfriend forget all her girlythings here they come in handy)
prank #8 double sided taped on the bottom of the creamer and sugar bowl
prank #9 replaced CJ's toothpaste with mustard (he is so oblivious to paying attention to color) and for anyone who realy want to try this one it is awesomely easy
prank #10 arosol glue is great holds tight too note the caution label on th can has nevr been underadvisment in our house. sprayed all 5oz in CJ shoes
prank #11 removed the pins from CJ's door
prank #12 dumped the water in the coffee pot out and replaced it with vingar
prank #13 put a bowl filled with whipcream placed vary obviously in front of the door that i knew Chaz would use see if he is looking down he is not going to be following hte fishing line up the door that held a tack that would fall on to the water balloon jsut inches down from it filled with horseradish sauce
prank #14 covered the front mat with vaseline (no the bread lady didnt fall but damn near but that is ok cos i still get a point for her haha)
prank #15 covered the sensor on the bottom of Jason's PC mouse with tape
prank #16 i cut a hole inthe bottom of a plastic bowl and then filled it up with jelly beans
prank #17 filled 4 glasses half way with water and turned them upside down (if u use a thick paper and keep it tight on the cup it wont spill before u place the cup on a hard surface) put the glasses back inthe cupboard.
prank #18 edged the rim of 5 coffee cups with tarar sauce really thin so u cant see it
prank #19 drew a penis on CJ's cheek
prank #20 wrapped one of each of Jason's shoes in duct tape
prank #21 filled toilet up with yellow food coloring and dish soap (for bubbles lol)
prank#22 hid the shower curtains from both bathrooms
prank# 23 took Cj clothes and put them in closet and replaced his bag with the kitchen trash bag (this one has history to it which is why it worked.. at one time when CJ lived with us i asked him to take the trash out it was sitting by the door well he ended up leaving hte house with out doing it (so i did it) BUT when he came home he jumped in to the shower right away and took all his clothes ALL his clothes and put them in a trash bag and put it by the door. He wanted his clothes back so i told him if he takes the trash out like i asked i would give them back. so down he went in a towel and the bag slight ripped as he tossed it in the dumpster and he seen his clothes fall i to the trash >:) so in a towel and all he had to dumpster dive to get his clothes back.. so see history he thought his clothes were in the trash bag(:< )
and then by that time i figured i should escape to my room and close the door and listen to all the "oh u did not just... what the hell... and ur going to pay liam i promise" LMAO
so its been an eventful wonder point filled day. :D
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Wednesday not so tired of dreaming that i have stopped
I have gotten away from bloggin for quite some time as i sorted through somethings that i needed to deal with. No saying that i needed to deal with them i apparently mean more or less ignoring them until they went away in which they havent i just don't care about them any more. Then when logging back on to my pst blog site i find out they are discontinuing the blog part of their site SO i left.
I am not here to make friends i am not here for some one to listen to me, I am simply here like most people to so to feel like i am actually here. (if that makes any sense to anyone else)
So my family suffers from a progressive disease that eventually ends up taking ur life, I lost my brother to this in 2009 thus autopsy revealing the cause and leading to the remaining 6 kids (myself included) to be diagnosed with it. I have a identical twin brother him being the dominate twin (health wise), I relised that at some time he was the dominate twin even emotionally until my father's death when my mother pretty much lost her mind and drove me to "find" myself. So emotinally we are now equal but he is far healthier than i which i wont lie gives me a spot of jealousy but at the same time i am glad he is.
Which brings me to today, i dont know if this blog will ever be read and really if not it dont matter to me. I actually just enjoy the thought of getting myself out there in "cyber" where i will never die. It's odd when u think about it a place where it doesnt matter what u look like, whether u are healthy or not, whether u have the energy to get out and do things that u once did or no matter how many time u try to delete it will always be there. When u post a picture, letter, send an eml its not private and it cant be deleted or erased i suppose u can hide it or when u hit the delete button it does disappear from that site which makes it harder to find should u be looking for it but u run in to deleted pages from time to time. When u google something and u end up scrolling through pages while ur brain beings to melt u will find pages taht u try to open that say Error 404 or restricted. its not that there is an error or u are restricted but u have stummbled upon a deleted site. go back to the google page and u can read parts of the blog or see the picture. So i guess i like the idea that this is one place were i will not be deleted or simply erased from time. Even if it is only in cyber space.
If things in my body dont slow down to an almost stop then i will be dead before halloween. But not here i will stay here, no more posts and no one will ever really know but i dont know it gives me something to hold on too. I have lost damn near every friend i ever had not because they dont want to talk with me because of being sick but simply life has a way of keeping you busy so that people tend to fall away from one another.
There are a few that i never did think would fall away that have and i dont resent them for living i am happy for them but never the less it still hurts a bit to know that the odd comfort that they once brang so happily to the "table" is no longer there. The "table" sure does become a lonly place.
Sometimes i would just like to know that i was thought of even if it was for a short few seconds, a passing thought. But this i will never know and this i am sure that i never am. I have been easily replaced in the lives of the ones that i held(and still in my own heart) so dear and i stand back thinking u know maybe i lied to myself all the those years Thinking that maybe "I" became someone speical to them someone that meant something. Then i look at how that friendship(s) started and no matter what the words that where said where, it all boils down to if it were not for my brother "would i have ever had those friendships" no, i think not. the one, i think leaned on me because of the hole that was left in our lives when my brother past and i leaned on her but for her that hole has changed not to say that it is still not there because lets face it no matter how many times we say dont think about the "what if" everyone does, it is part of human nature but it has changed for her and i am so glad it has for that is something we as people shouldnever have to learn to live with but all too many of us do. the other two friendships that i thought would never dissappear were forged so thickly through hurt, agony and laughter of the past. All steming with my brother voicing more of his hurt while i never spoke a word of mine thus attracting people to him and them befriending me through him. Yes i think we had a friendship even in my brothers absences but i feel that that is something that i never would have had if my brother and i were not so close.
Which leads me to wonder no matter the words that have been spoken before my brother's passing or after "would there have been a friendship there without him?" The "table" feels a bit more lonely now then it did before that realization dawned on me.
I do know that i have managed to have a friendship(s) (most would call it aquaintance but i like friend is a much warmer word and that is the way i feel when i speak with them so i say freind) in a few people that i will admit i met through my brother. Sue, DJ Myke, boombox(lol), Marvin (lol) and all of his different identities, Irene, Colleen and not to forget Tommy. But when i am late for an appointment or the damn car wont start or just when the night seems to pass so slowly and sleep will not come to me, I often get a smile, a chuckle and more then occastional all out laugh from them. I am greatful to have this outlet even if at times it seems like i am invisible to it or complete nonexistant i know that i wouldn't be where i am today with out it. When i say where i am i dont mean physically but more mentally.
There are so many times when u come in to contact with people everyday, while ur in ur car sitting at a light someone pulls up behind u whose music is so loud it shakes ur car windows, or u pass them in a hallway, sidewalk or coridoor or on the largest highway in the world the 1mil lane bypass also know as the "web". We often dont realise what a simple word or a small statement might do to another, espeically on the web. We have no clue what that person has had to deal with in past, present or future but why wouldnt we want to say a kind word or give a smile.
I know that saying silence like cancer grows.... well cancer can be killed (and may the Hand of God keep it from ever returning). Sadness is like a cancer but unlike cancer its cure is a bit more simple, a smile, a joke, a kind word to a stranger (or friend, family member) can heal so much more then what we know. Let's face it no matter how close we are to one another we will never know EVERYTHING about one another and nor should we. Sometimes it is better to give the smile without knowing the details because then it can work even greater cures.
I am Liam Mckormic 19yrs old and i will never be tired of dreaming and i had no intentions of rammbling at the length(my appologies) that i did but Iinvite anyone who is not on myspace/facebook to go and visit Blogophilia or Blogophilia facebook style i promise the people there are not nearly as longing winded as i nor as boring.
Blogophilia 14.4 Topic: "I'm Tired of Dreaming"
I am not here to make friends i am not here for some one to listen to me, I am simply here like most people to so to feel like i am actually here. (if that makes any sense to anyone else)
So my family suffers from a progressive disease that eventually ends up taking ur life, I lost my brother to this in 2009 thus autopsy revealing the cause and leading to the remaining 6 kids (myself included) to be diagnosed with it. I have a identical twin brother him being the dominate twin (health wise), I relised that at some time he was the dominate twin even emotionally until my father's death when my mother pretty much lost her mind and drove me to "find" myself. So emotinally we are now equal but he is far healthier than i which i wont lie gives me a spot of jealousy but at the same time i am glad he is.
Which brings me to today, i dont know if this blog will ever be read and really if not it dont matter to me. I actually just enjoy the thought of getting myself out there in "cyber" where i will never die. It's odd when u think about it a place where it doesnt matter what u look like, whether u are healthy or not, whether u have the energy to get out and do things that u once did or no matter how many time u try to delete it will always be there. When u post a picture, letter, send an eml its not private and it cant be deleted or erased i suppose u can hide it or when u hit the delete button it does disappear from that site which makes it harder to find should u be looking for it but u run in to deleted pages from time to time. When u google something and u end up scrolling through pages while ur brain beings to melt u will find pages taht u try to open that say Error 404 or restricted. its not that there is an error or u are restricted but u have stummbled upon a deleted site. go back to the google page and u can read parts of the blog or see the picture. So i guess i like the idea that this is one place were i will not be deleted or simply erased from time. Even if it is only in cyber space.
If things in my body dont slow down to an almost stop then i will be dead before halloween. But not here i will stay here, no more posts and no one will ever really know but i dont know it gives me something to hold on too. I have lost damn near every friend i ever had not because they dont want to talk with me because of being sick but simply life has a way of keeping you busy so that people tend to fall away from one another.
There are a few that i never did think would fall away that have and i dont resent them for living i am happy for them but never the less it still hurts a bit to know that the odd comfort that they once brang so happily to the "table" is no longer there. The "table" sure does become a lonly place.
Sometimes i would just like to know that i was thought of even if it was for a short few seconds, a passing thought. But this i will never know and this i am sure that i never am. I have been easily replaced in the lives of the ones that i held(and still in my own heart) so dear and i stand back thinking u know maybe i lied to myself all the those years Thinking that maybe "I" became someone speical to them someone that meant something. Then i look at how that friendship(s) started and no matter what the words that where said where, it all boils down to if it were not for my brother "would i have ever had those friendships" no, i think not. the one, i think leaned on me because of the hole that was left in our lives when my brother past and i leaned on her but for her that hole has changed not to say that it is still not there because lets face it no matter how many times we say dont think about the "what if" everyone does, it is part of human nature but it has changed for her and i am so glad it has for that is something we as people shouldnever have to learn to live with but all too many of us do. the other two friendships that i thought would never dissappear were forged so thickly through hurt, agony and laughter of the past. All steming with my brother voicing more of his hurt while i never spoke a word of mine thus attracting people to him and them befriending me through him. Yes i think we had a friendship even in my brothers absences but i feel that that is something that i never would have had if my brother and i were not so close.
Which leads me to wonder no matter the words that have been spoken before my brother's passing or after "would there have been a friendship there without him?" The "table" feels a bit more lonely now then it did before that realization dawned on me.
I do know that i have managed to have a friendship(s) (most would call it aquaintance but i like friend is a much warmer word and that is the way i feel when i speak with them so i say freind) in a few people that i will admit i met through my brother. Sue, DJ Myke, boombox(lol), Marvin (lol) and all of his different identities, Irene, Colleen and not to forget Tommy. But when i am late for an appointment or the damn car wont start or just when the night seems to pass so slowly and sleep will not come to me, I often get a smile, a chuckle and more then occastional all out laugh from them. I am greatful to have this outlet even if at times it seems like i am invisible to it or complete nonexistant i know that i wouldn't be where i am today with out it. When i say where i am i dont mean physically but more mentally.
There are so many times when u come in to contact with people everyday, while ur in ur car sitting at a light someone pulls up behind u whose music is so loud it shakes ur car windows, or u pass them in a hallway, sidewalk or coridoor or on the largest highway in the world the 1mil lane bypass also know as the "web". We often dont realise what a simple word or a small statement might do to another, espeically on the web. We have no clue what that person has had to deal with in past, present or future but why wouldnt we want to say a kind word or give a smile.
I know that saying silence like cancer grows.... well cancer can be killed (and may the Hand of God keep it from ever returning). Sadness is like a cancer but unlike cancer its cure is a bit more simple, a smile, a joke, a kind word to a stranger (or friend, family member) can heal so much more then what we know. Let's face it no matter how close we are to one another we will never know EVERYTHING about one another and nor should we. Sometimes it is better to give the smile without knowing the details because then it can work even greater cures.
I am Liam Mckormic 19yrs old and i will never be tired of dreaming and i had no intentions of rammbling at the length(my appologies) that i did but Iinvite anyone who is not on myspace/facebook to go and visit Blogophilia or Blogophilia facebook style i promise the people there are not nearly as longing winded as i nor as boring.
Blogophilia 14.4 Topic: "I'm Tired of Dreaming"
Bonus Points:
(Hard, 2pts): include the names of 3 Blogophiliacs
(Easy, 1pt): include a car that won't start
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