My endless ramblings in to the echo of nothing.
does it matter in the end?
would it change anything from the begining?
If you choose one thing in ur life to take away, what would it be? Do you think that it would change the result of something or change where u stand at the very moment? What if just what if you didnt do something, would someone else have done it? have u ever wondered what would have changed?
I think if i had not done "something" it doesnt matter what anything really someone else would have. it makes no difference. bcos it would have been done regaurdless. like a page already written and u touch it thinking hte ink is wet and u can change one word, a thought, a moment in time u can stand and make a difference not to the world but to someones world. I sit back wondering if i ever really did. or was it all nothing.
when i die and i am buried ppl will past the tombstone never acknowledging that i ever existed. never know that i bleed, never now that i have loved. Never know the dreams that pass through my heart and mind day in and day out. the times when i thought how blessed i was just to breathe. they will never know that i just wanted to be held by someone whose world i had touched. what would i leave behind? nothing. i have done no great task to be remembered not even by the smallest. if someone is so easily forgotten while alive how easy it will be to forget that they ever walked this earth when they die.
I have done anything i keep asking myself.
have i done anything to have caused a ripple of good, inspiring another for grand things in someone life. Last week i would have said without a doubt yes. I would have said that i may not have done the best by that person but i was there, and they will remember that i was here. and one day we will meet again under the same stars.
but today i am not so sure. perhaps it is just that i grow wery of the pain. the constant agnoy sometimes i am afraid to breathe because with each exhale i get sharp stabbing pains shooting up from my abdomin in to chest. prehaps i am tired of the ease of confusion, how can i feel "at home" if i always feel like i am lost. i know somewhere in the back of my mind i am at home this is where i belong but it doesnt feel right. Like soemthing is not right that gnawing feeling that eats at you until u cant breathe. prehaps it is the never being able to look that far ahead. i never understood the luxary of being able to plan for the future until my future was taken before it even had a chance to be. if u promise something u should be able to do it right. so how can i promise anything? i never know when i lay down will it this be my last night, when i wake i do my systems checks heart rate... breathing the sense of thankfulness washes over me but then i realise that what if this is the last day i have. What do i do? i never forgot to tell my heart not once, i never forgot to make the amends that need to be made trying not to leave this world colder than it was when i came in to it. But then it becomes like i am always saying goodbye and never leaving. Have u ever had a visitor come and say that they were leaving and then 3 hours later they still are sitting there. It gets in the way because then u are being stopped from planning ur future. so they become a bother u may love them with ur whole heart and never wish harm to come upon them but at the same way they do indeed get inthe way.
so what i have done this week.. just this week i am not even going to go in to the dark deep distance past because if i have to dig that far back to find something worth while then i am not worth the breath i take. no i have done nothing.
sad day indeed. when a person can mourn their own loss of life.
